Hemmed In

 

    I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to learn how to sew. In fact, it's been such a long term desire that I can distinctly remember sitting myself down at six, determined to make a doll's dress... and I didn't even like dolls! Back in the day, I was way more of a stuffed animal kind of girl. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me paint the picture for you: 

You remember getting that 'wild hair' as a kid and desperately wanting some random item you saw in the store? Yeah, that has to be everyone's childhood experience.

It was the middle of summer, 2003, and I was in a Hobby Lobby with my mom and her mom (my Grammy) while she visited us after a big move states away. I don't remember very much about that Hobby Lobby trip other than that we were there to get decorations for my six year old birthday party with our new neighbors. But I vividly remember seeing her : a completely blank, stuffed canvas doll form, about five inches long. She had no hair, not even a face. Just canvas. When I saw that doll form in its crinkly clear packaging, I knew that I had to have her. 

My mom had begun reading the Little House on the Prairie books to us, and I had been completely caught up in a world dancing with wagons, bonnets, and little girls like me, all smelling like Home and wood smoke. 

Standing there in that Hobby Lobby with elevator music playing in the background, I was inspired on the spot. I was going to be like Laura Ingalls, running around outside with my own ragdoll by my side. I even knew her name: Niña, inspired by another book series we were reading at the time, the American Girl's Josephina series.  

I remember looking at my mom wide-eyed: could I please have this? Mama looked at me a little askance. It was my birthday and she didn't mind buying it as a gift, but she knew I didn't care a thing for baby dolls. I think she may have even said as much. I don't blame her! I mean, who wants to buy something that your child has a history of leaving at the bottom of the toy box? I'm fuzzy on the particulars, but I do remember Grammy buying it for me. And if I squint the eyes of my soul hard enough, I can just make out the look on her face: young, beautiful as always and smiling at me, but all broken inside. Her eyes had this lost look to them that told me she wasn't present, even though she was right there, handing the doll to me. 

Tragedy had rocked my family seven months before, and for my Grammy, I think it must have felt like someone had snapped the line that anchored her ship, and she was careening into savage seas. We were all reeling, but Grammy was sinking. 

I got to bring Niña home, and I had a wonderful birthday, despite all the struggle going on around me. I really loved that doll. Mama drew on a beautiful face in fabric marker, and I watched as she sewed a thick, black braid of yarn on her head. All we needed was clothes. I think we created a temporary fix by either wrapping her in a silk scarf or put her in some old baby doll clothes, I can't remember which. But I do remember running to show Grammy how beautiful she was. We didn't have time to make any clothes by the time Grammy left, but another of my birthday gifts had been something very special. My mama had presented me with a sewing box that Grammy had given to her when she was 10. My little aspiring pioneer self was all set and ready to go. 

Granted, it took a loooong time before that dress was made. My mama had four tiny humans to take care of, and a doll's dress wasn't super high on the needs list.  I eventually got impatient and attempted to make one on my own. I mean, how hard could it be?

Dang hard, I found out. I hadn't realized yet that sewing is a tricky business. If you even look at that needle and thread the wrong way, it will twist itself into a disaster zone of knots and thumb pricks like an anti-fairy godmother. 

My poor mama found me in the middle of my room: surrounded by fabric, stray needles, and different colored threads strewn in all directions, with what must have been a blearily puzzled look on my face asking, "What went wrong?" I remember my mom bending down to help me clean up and trying not to laugh. I remember thinking it was pretty funny too. She helped me make a dress for her that week, and Niña was finally complete. I treasured that box and that doll; both my mama and Grammy were all wrapped up in them, and I liked to hold them close. 

A year and a half later, they became even more special: the day Grammy left to go back home days after my sixth birthday was the last time we ever saw her.  The storm of grief that had buffeted all of us, eventually swallowed up my grandmother. But - to this day, I know that she loved us deeply, and that the Lord did too. 

♡♡♡

Life isn't easy. It's full of gut-wrenching, discouraging, exhausting things. It often seems like if you look at it wrong, life becomes that same knotted, prickly mess I made, except way worse. There are seasons that never seem to end. Heartbreak appears to lurk at every turn in the road. But, I can tell you this from prolonged experience: 

We never walk alone. 

My very favorite Psalm is Psalm 139. And before you roll your eyes and think, "Oh my word, Jillian, that's so basic." let me tell you why. 

Psalm 139 is an incredibly personal Psalm. David wrote it, and a sense of wonderment at how intimately the Lord knew and loved him pulses in every syllable. It almost feels to me like a song that's supposed to be whispered as you stand outside and look at the stars instead of one you belt out with a brass band accompaniment. Throughout the Psalm, David describes God's intimate knowledge of himself, from his thoughts and words, to his development in the womb, all the way down to his heart's deepest motives. He also describes God's close attention to detail in every part of his life. Let's take a look at the verse I'm talking about:

"You hem me in, behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 

  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." 

-Psalm 139:6 NIV

David is describing here the fact that God literally hems His children in with circumstances, protecting, chastening, and guiding them at all times. What a wonderful truth! Now, I'm not saying that being hemmed in like that is comfortable all the time: there have been several times in my life where that fact frustrated the stew out of me. 

But when you really think about it, the promise that the Lord brings order to the chaos of this life is so precious. Where would any of us be without that guiding hand who knows us far more intimately than anyone else? I'm joining David in saying "I can't even grasp this" just trying to write about it. 

When I read this verse, I think of my mama smoothing out the mess I made attempting to make clothes for Niña; and sewing even, strong stitches to make my doll a dress that would last. She loved me far more deeply, tenderly, and fiercely than I could ever love that doll, and I knew it. It's just a shadow of the feeling David and I are trying to communicate, but it's as close as I can get.

David goes on in verse 11 to say,

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,'

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you." (emphasis added)

All of us surely have felt this way before. I'll be very transparent with you and say that I'm heavily tempted to feel this way lately. But I want to encourage you to remember the second half of this verse: no matter how dark it feels around or inside of you, that darkness 'is as light' to Jesus. 

I could talk about this Psalm for hours, but two more things before I go. One of my favorite music albums is actually a kids album called "Slugs and Bugs: Sing the Bible" by Randall Goodgame. If you have young kids, I highly recommend his music! This album helps you do exactly what the title says, sing the Bible. I "discovered" Psalm 139 listening to this cd, and it is the only track that is more like narration than a song. It struck me so deeply when I first heard it, that I made a priority of memorizing it. It omits verses 19-22 as it would make for some rather, well, interesting  kid's music, but it's still so good! 

This Psalm has meant so much to me over the years: I've recited it when waking up terrified from nightmares, to times I was so happy I thought I would burst. It's seriously fitting for just about any occasion, and I love to pray it back to the Lord when I just can't find the words. I'm including the last several lines of the song (verbatim Ps. 139:17-18, 23-24) here:

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God. How vast is the sum of them!

If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. 

When I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, oh God, and know my heart. Test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

May we all draw near to the One with whom darkness is as light, and invite Him to search us in light of all the love He pours on us. 

Keep at it, dear reader, He is worth it. 

'Til next time!

xoxo,

Jillian